4.48

deSingel, 4.48 psychosis

".. Hatch opens
Stark light
and Nothing
Nothing
see Nothing

What am I like?
the child of negation

out of one torture chamber into another
a vile succession of errors without remission
every step of the way I've fallen

Despair propels me to suicide
Anguish for which doctors can find no cure
Nor care to understand
I hope you never understand
Because I like you

I like you
I like you

still black water
as cold as the sky
as still as my heart when your voice is gone
I shall freeze in hell
of course I love you
you saved my life

I wish you hadn't
I wish you hadn't
I wish you'd left me alone

a black and white film of yes or no yes or no yes or no yes or no yes or no yes or no

I've always loved you
even when I hated you

What am I like?
just like my father

oh no oh no oh no

Hatch opens
Stark light

The rupture begins

I don't know where to look anymore

Tired of crowd searching
Telepathy
and hope

Watch the stars
predict the past
and change the world with a silver eclipse

the only thing that's permanent is destruction
we're all going to disappear
trying to leave a mark more permanent that myself

I've not killed myself before so don't look for precedents
What came before was just the beginning

a cyclical fear
that's not the moon it's the earth
A revolution

Dear God, dear God, what shall I do?

All I know
is snow
and black despair

Nowhere left to turn
an ineffectual mortal spasm
the only alternative to murder

Please don't cut me up to find out how I died
I'll tell you how I died

One hundred Lofepramine, forty five Zopiclone, twenty five Temazepam, and twenty Melleril

Everything I had

Swallowed

Slit

Hung

It is done

behold the Eunuch
of castrated thought

skull
unwound

the capture
the rapture
the rupture
of a soul

a solo symphony

warm darkness
which soaks my eyes

I know no sin

this is the sickness of becoming great

the vital need for which I would die

to be loved

I'm dying for one who doesn't care
I'm dying for one who doesn't know

you're breaking me

Speak
Speak
Speak

ten yard ring of failure
look away from me

My final stand

No one speaks

Validate me
Witness me
See me
Love me

my final submission
my final defeat

the chicken's still dancing
the chicken won't stop

I think that you think of me
the way I'd have you think of me

the final period
the final full stop

look after your mum now
look after your mum

Black snow falls

in death you hold me
never free

I have no desire for death
no suicide ever had

watch me vanish
watch me

vanish

watch me

watch me

watch

It is myself I have never met, whose face is pasted on the underside of my mind

please open the curtains"


(Sarah Kane, uit: 4.48 Psychosis)